Growing up…

It’s been 17 long years ( and 2 months and 36 days). This year I’ll be 18. I don’t quite like the idea of becoming an adult, accepting responsibilities I never planned to, or being forced to always have this desire to be accepted by society. I look at the mirror and then at my old photographs as a kid… and see that those childish looks, beady innocent eyes, smooth skin, tiny frame, have fleeted away from me, just like that, without a warning. I am expected to clear my high school and start college this year. Of course, I don’t have any problems with that; I watch people fulfilling their academic dreams all the time. They then get a decent job, become self-sustained, get a partner for life, raise a family, retire and here’s the weird part: They die….

Look , I am comfortable with death and the concept of passing on to a new realm after our souls depart these mortal vessels that we have for bodies. The thing I feel strange about when I see a countless sea of gravestones, under which lie hundreds of the deceased, is that…these people, who lived the ‘perfect life’,  scored perfect scores, worked the ‘perfect jobs’ , raised the ‘perfect family’, yet they lay there lost among hundreds like themselves having lost their identity, submitting the fate of whatever remains of their body to the forces of the universe. Those people never found themselves. Yes. I had the nerve to say that. Those people were once like us, they ate, they slept, they dreamt, they loved, they laughed, they hoped and the sad truth is that they lived a life that would please those around them, they conditioned themselves like machines in order to be accepted by society and now they just lay 6 feet underground.

‘Society’ is a hypocrite . She teaches us to be selfless and to be of service to our fellow brothers and sisters ..all while robbing people of their dreams, pure desires and independence. I hate this feeling. This feeling that soon, I will become a part of this never-ending nightmare, that soon society will play her fiddle and grab hold of me, blinding my conscience to the core, binding me to the ends of her tresses, and leave me yelping for my life. I fear the day I look at my reflection and ask,” This is what your existence has come to?”  , the day I realize that all my suffering, humiliation and strife would be for nothing.

History has shown us that it is never one of those common sheep that gets to stand out. It is always the bravest, the most innovative and the ones that dare to dream that gets to stand out. The rest get eaten by wolves or are butchered. Once I start college, there is no turning back. I will have initiated a chain reaction. The same one that more than 98% of the worlds population does every day. Only the faces are different. The game remains the same. I’ll never be able to break away from this dreaded chain till I undertake all the responsibilities I am expected to take…till I work my ass off and find myself on my  death bed I will be bound by societal limitations . I will be crippled and forbidden from pursuing things that make me feel complete and satisfied. Just thinking about these things give me the chills.

Someone once told me, “Do what is good.” , and the pressured little me had asked, ”What feels good or what is morally good?” Yup. That’s how confused I was.

I want to explore myself, find what makes me tick, what makes me happy. I want to work out, learn martial arts (I’m so skinny and weak that I wouldn’t be able to push a dead swine off of my chest to save my life). I want to compose hymns, write a book, learn a new language,travel, see new places, meet new people, check things off my bucket list, get out of my bubble and discover myself.

Uggh!   I want to take a gap year so badly!  Hello 2019!

 *wink*  *wink*

2 Comments

  1. I’m only 22, but back when I was on your age, I could remember myself feeling these exact things that you feel right now. Honestly, I still feel this way but if there’s anything that I could say to you, the thing about life is that it will end. That’s an inevitable and also an undeniably scary fact. I’ve learned to brave through my fear of oblivion and just cherish each second that I’m gifted with life. We will never know when will it all end. Nonetheless, it will all be worth our while. Make it worth your while. 😉

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